VHS Diving: The Allnighter

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allnighterHappy Valentine’s Day! I hope you have somebody special to share this (meaningless) holiday with. Hope you go out to a nice romantic dinner, get some flowers, some candies, and maybe if you play your cards right, some “dessert”. Of course if you’re a lot like most of the people in this country, you’re probably single, hate this day, and just want to hide out and watch “Sherlock” or something. I don’t blame you. It’s ok. I’m not here to get too mushy with you. In fact, I thought I’d celebrate this “holiday” with a movie that I THOUGHT was a sex comedy. At least that’s how the packaging, the tag line, and hell even the title made me think.

But then the movie progressed and…there wasn’t a whole lot of sex. And definitely no comedy was found. So what is The Allnighter? Well, it’s a “romantic comedy” (I use that word loosely and you’ll see why shortly) starring the lead singer of The Bangles Susanna Hoffs.

If you just said “Hey I didn’t know Susanna Hoffs acted” I’m here to tell you: no, she can’t. At all.

Susanna IS Molly, a soon-to-be college graduate who realized she spent four years in college not getting laid or feeling romance. She’s roommates with two other girls Val (Deedee Pfeiffer) and Gina (Joan Cusack). The start of the film features Gina holding her GIANT video recorder and interviewing people around campus asking what they learned the last four years. This movie she’s making is going to be shitty as hell because every shot is just either focused on their foreheads or directly on their mouths. It’s arty!

So Molly, Val, and Gina are doing typical girl things like giggling, talking about boys, and getting ready for the last big party called The Fiesta. Then the guys show up. There’s C.J and Killer. C.J I’ll get to in a moment. Killer is, if somebody who knew how to write movies wrote this movie, suppose to be your typical surfer dude (a line of dialogue he has is: “A babe in the kitchen is worth two in the bush”) but sometimes he acts smart and isn’t such a total dork. His character is all over the place.

C.J? C.J is played by, I swear to GOD, the same guy who played Deathstalker in Deathstalker 2.

Just a reminder, this is what he looks like.

Just a reminder, this is what he looks like.

I was not expecting that. C.J either dated Molly, wants to date Molly, or is just sort of friends with her and didn’t pay much attention to her. Molly kind of has a thing for him but he keeps hitting on typical beach babes so she gets pissed off at him throughout the movie.

So not a lot happens in this movie. Things just…sort of meander along. I kept waiting for hilarious hijinx to ensue. There was a moment where the girls was cooking dinner and somebody accidently put weed in the sauce and I thought that was set up for something but nope. That went nowhere. Turns out Val is engaged to be married to some dude and she has to meet him at his hotel that night BUT the other girls want her to hang out with them. Thought THAT was gonna go somewhere but it doesn’t. There’s all this set up that ends up going nowhere.

That’s not true. There’s one thing. This guy named Mickey who use to be in a punk band some years ago is back in town to see his ex-wife. She refuses to see him so he decides to visit the college and look around. He bumps into Molly, who instantly falls for him, making C.J jealous. C.J leaves, pissed off while Molly dances with Mickey.

We do meet Val’s future husband named Brad, who turns out to be THE BIGGEST FUCKING ASSHOLE EVER! And the worst actor ever. He constantly talks down to Val and insults her and doesn’t pay any attention to her. Molly decides to go visit Mickey at his hotel, where two hotel detectives (one of them played by Meshach Taylor!) thinks she’s a prostitute for some reason. Molly goes to Mickey’s room and wants to make out with him when Mickey’s ex shows up. Mickey hides Molly on the balcony and she just kinda hangs out there. She does call Val and Gina for help, who get the message and head over to the hotel to save her. They too get confused for prostitutes and the two hotel detectives call the cops and they end up getting arrested, so Molly spends the rest of the movie figuring out how to bail them out.

The next day (yes, it’s the Allnighter…but the last 20 minutes takes place the next day. Weird.) C.J and Killer have a surfing montage where C.J is almost killed by a wave but thankfully he’s OK. PHEW! Almost had something interesting happen! We can’t have that!! Killer then announces that he’s going to just roam the Earth and simply vanishes from the film. C.J takes his near death to realize he needs to be with Molly and goes to her, helps her bail out Val and Gina, and before their graduation, C.J and Molly have sex.

Yes, Nolahn, there is a film where Deathstalker is having sex with the lead singer of The Bangles. It’s…weird.

That’s basically the whole movie. Like I said, it’s boring, not entertaining, not funny, and frankly I don’t see the point of it whatsoever, besides the face that Susanna Hoffs mother wrote and directed the film. There is a small scene where Susanna Hoffs dances in her underwear for a couple of minutes but that’s about it. I only bought this movie cause the cover boasts this is the “feature film debut of Susanna Hoffs” and it looks like a sex comedy, so I thought that was worth something. I only paid 49 cents for this and that was 48 cents too much.

 

 

 

-Jason

3 Comments

  1. Me reading this review:

    Oh, hey, The Allnighter with that lady from The Bengals — I always kinda wanted to check that out. Uh-huh… Uh-huh… No surprise there… Uh-huh… Uh-huOMIGODITSDEATHSTALKER!!

    I have no doubt that this film deserves the Wiseau, but I might have to check it out anyway.

    • “Deserves the Wiseau” has to become a new euphemism for something. Seriously, that’s a phrase that begs to be used in millions of situations.

    • If you must. There REALLY isn’t anything special about it. Even the inclusion of Deathstalker didn’t make it exciting so that should tell you something.
      -Jason

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